


mathematics of the sort they never even dreamed

by SecondStarOnTheLeft



Series: Commas [1]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Ableist Language, Canon Disabled Character, F/M, Freeform, Implied/Referenced Racism, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 06:57:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2572298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecondStarOnTheLeft/pseuds/SecondStarOnTheLeft
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>she tells you she's pregnant on the same day the marshal tells you funding has been cut and redirected to the wall but you forget to care about the world because this is more important.</p>
            </blockquote>





	mathematics of the sort they never even dreamed

i.

the doctors tell you no and it's the worst thing that ever happened which is saying something considering your family.

the doctors tell you they can't amputate because that won't fix what's wrong with your leg. you're eighteen and one of the most brilliant minds in germany and you had a stroke six months ago and now your leg doesn't work properly and sometimes your hand doesn't either. you can see numbers more complex than the strange arguments that aren't fights your parents have over dinner but you can't see a way to fix this and it's driving you mad in a way you never understood. you saw the same thing happen to your brother when he broke his collarbone and couldn't throw his hammer but you never understood it and now you do because it's frustration and it's fury and it's bitter horrible consuming sadness and

the doctors said no

and that's not fair.

**ii.**

you really are one of the most brilliant minds in germany and maybe even in the world and that's why you're twenty one years old and teaching eighteen year olds mathematics of the sort they never even dreamed. you can pick out the ones who were considered brilliant in their schools and yes they are good but they're not as good as they think they are and you can understand that frustration. it's usually these ones who think they have the right to speak up

cripple

weak

freak

in class but you don't think they do because they always ask questions about things they already understand as if to confirm that they understood them first and if there's one thing you hate it's a show off. so you shut them down and make it clear that you don't think knowledge means anything without understanding and instead turn to your other students like the small girl with the braces who takes twenty minutes longer but comes to the same conclusion with a wonderfully pure understanding. she isn't the quickest but despite what your superiors say you think that she is the best and when the pan-pacific defence corps comes looking for programmers you look at her glorious understanding and her talent with computers and push her ahead of the outspoken brats who then corner you after class and laugh 

cripple

weak

freak

because you didn't let them win and they're not used to that so they turned into the very bullies who made their lives hell at school just because they're stronger than you and they're drunk on that previously unknown power. you're not entirely sure you blame them for it.

**iii.**

you turn her down the first time because you have a mild palsy in your face and you walk with a lurching gait and a cane and you're used to being asked out as a joke.

people like to pretend they're interested in you because they like to see the hope and disappointment on your face when you think they're sincere but then start to laugh and you're used to it. you've been dealing with it since you were eighteen and hadn't fully learned to talk again and were barely able to put any weight on your bad leg much less walk and there is a god because you've seen his handwriting in the numbers but you wonder if he's maybe cruel because he confined you to that wheelchair for so long. so because of that and because you know how these things go the first time she comes up to you after class and asks you out for coffee

or tea

whichever you'd prefer

you say no because she's six feet and two inches tall with a cloud of beautiful hair around an even more beautiful face and you can't believe that she'd ever be interested in you as anything but a joke. but she's clever and persistent as well as shockingly beautiful and she begins to hang back after class sometimes to discuss mathematics to you and the way to most men's hearts might be through their stomachs but the way to yours has always been imaginary numbers and she delights in them as much as you do. so the next time she asks you out for tea or coffee you say

would you mind tea

and somewhere without stairs

and her whole face lights up as if it's christmas in cologne and you smile and she waits patiently as you wrestle with your coat and cane and case and sets her pace to equal yours and she laughs at all your maths jokes and none of your enthusiasm.

**iv.**

the small girl with the braces seems to have recommended you because suddenly you're being rushed towards a helicopter and when you fall nobody even cracks a smile.

the pan-pacific defence corps needs more than just programmers because they don't know what they're supposed to do when no kaiju is the last kaiju and you are the most brilliant mathematical mind in germany and maybe in the world and you are a light in the darkness or at least that's what they tell you. they fly you through terrible rain to an airfield in the helicopter and from there to somewhere else entirely in a small aeroplane and from there they bring you to a building that might have been imposing but you grew up with your father looming over you and little intimidates you anymore. they bring you into an enormous room and you recognise faces from watching reports from the european parliament and others from the united states house of representatives and others still from the north atlantic treaty organisation and you feel very small but also strangely calm. you look at the facts they have and the gaps where they don't and you explain that you'll need dozens of new readings and while they look apprehensive of the cost they also do exactly as you ask and that's perfect. they call you doctor and that's perfect too because nobody has ever called you doctor and sounded disappointed

i expected more hermann

this is barely sufficient hermann

and the first thing you do when you have time to think about anything but numbers and the monsters hiding between them is to call home and apologise for missing tea. you relax into her laughter and she tells you that she's gone for a modelling audition and you can't believe it but you can too. she's the most beautiful woman in the world and you wish everyone knew it and acknowledged it because sometimes she gets dirty words shouted at her in the street and

you

hate

that

and by the time you get home she's booked two jobs and you've never been as proud in all your life because she deserves everything in the world and you tell her so.

**v.**

some people won't hire her because she's black and some won't hire her because she's got a false leg and you don't know who you hate more.

she wears off-white on your wedding day and her hair is loose and natural and perfect just like the rest of her. your hands look too pale and ugly against her beautiful skin when you lie in bed together that night the next morning and the hem of her left thigh presses to the top of your right knee. you know that ugliness is the slump of your mouth and the atrophied muscles of your calf and thigh and arm and chest and you don't know how anyone could compare that to her and find any sort of similarities. she's getting more and more work as the war on the pacific rages on because it's fashionable to pretend to be an amputee and she's ready-made but she doesn't want that kind of work and the kind of work she does want is hard to come by when she prefers her hair big and her leg as it is and

jaegars die

kaiju die

pilots dies

you fly back and forth between the pacific rim and your ground floor apartment in berlin and she flies all over the world and back to your ground floor apartment in berlin. it's hard and it's lonely but it's her and you'd do anything to have her because she's glorious.

**vi.**

he's even more of a pain in the arse than your bad leg or your palsy and you can't quite believe that you're expected to share a lab with him.

but then one day you have to fetch him from his quarters and you find a magazine photograph of her stuck up on his wall and you're so surprised that he views her as special enough to give pride of place over his beloved kaiju that you forget to be annoyed with him for two whole days. he reminds you easily enough of course and then you bicker with him as you did with your brother before he died 

flying out to visit you

you've forbidden anyone else from doing the same

and it's oddly homely and familiar. you never say that she's your wife and he never puts your name together with hers so you can enjoy watching him argue with people who deny that she's one of the top models in the world now that the strange women who always frightened you at her shows have stopped travelling. she hasn't and won't and you love her as much as you hate the danger she puts herself in but you understand why she does it. you do it too after all because you know you're a liability if something goes wrong here in the shatterdome but you do your best work here and someone has to watch him to make sure he doesn't try eating kaiju entrails.

**vii.**

she tells you she's pregnant on the same day the marshal tells you funding has been cut and redirected to the wall but you forget to care about the world because this is more important.

but then you remember that if you don't help them figure out how to save the world there won't be a world for this baby

who is half her

and the good parts of you

to grow up in and you can't stand the idea of that. so you grab him and you wait so he can gather his specimens and entrails and you fly to hong kong. it's raining when you arrive and your coat is too big but it keeps you dry. it was a gift from your huge russian friend five years ago and you never travel without it especially not when you know he's going to be there because it is one of the few things that can make him smile in these dark cold terrible days. you meet a hero and a legend and a rising star in an elevator and you cringe as he makes a fool of himself but you're used to it so you don't take long to get over it.

you tell him that she's your wife and he tells you he knew it even though you know he didn't. he goes wild when you tell him she's pregnant and pulls a flask of something tart and potent from his impossibly skinny jeans and the two of you toast this spark of life that 

must

without doubt

be protected

needs a world to grow in and you agree to save the world no matter the cost.


End file.
